the last stand

I have tried so many methods, so many ways, so many days and so many years to improve myself. I have tried implementing so many rules, denda myself when I break the rules, trying so many2 times whatever I could think of just to improve myself and become a better person

nevertheless, whatever I have tried, it all ended up in failures!!

failures, yes. I knew that among all my friends, medicals and non-medicals, I have the worst discipline among them all

yes, ask whoever it is, who among the medstudents has the worst attitude? it is me. 

sleep late, wakeup late, skipping classes (lots of them), never early, always late, procrastinate works, and so so so many more.

I am the worst in attitude and discipline.

I realized that, I am, and I have tried so many times already to improve.

but I just couldnt (I felt like crying)

it all ended in failures.

sometimes I felt like I am the very definition of laziness itself. however desperately I try to change it all become useless. sometimes these questions came to my mind

"can I really not become a better person like all my friends?"
"am I destined to become a bad person all my life?"
"am I destined to become a loser and failures for rest of my life?"

and

"how should I do, what should I do?"

"dear God, how and what should I do to repair myself and become a better person?"

...
...

..

.
.


a few days ago, something like this popped up in facebook

at that time I dont really pay attention to it and just let it slipped. but today I decided that if I ever want to repair myself then this would be the main principle

"my last stand"

I dont exactly know how to do this. so what I'm gonna do is to increase the quantity of my daily ibadah as much as possible, so so so much in hope that it will repair my relationship with Allah, and then let Allah repair everything else for me

lets hope I could someday become a much better person amin